Harry Potter and the Cheese of Sanity
by Gharienne
Summary: Harry Potter is now deorphanized, lives with a teacrazy father, a leech mother and a constantly drowning mugger cousin. Join Harry as he tries to finish his first year while remaining insane. Rated PG for insanity.
1. The Insanity Begins

Disclaimer 1: We do not own Harry Potter, or his sanity, or his relatives, or his owlet, or his magicness, but we do own his insanity, the idea, the magical fish, the sorta existent but not really plot and the cheese of sanity.

Disclaimer 2: although this was published on my account it was co-written by Calypsed so... all flames will go to her

Disclaimer 3: lastly, enjoy, die of insanity, you can't stop us from writing muahahahaha

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Harry Potter was a little boy who lived with his parents, and his uncle and aunt Petunia. Oh and we can't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, forget his pudgy, porky, piglike, cousin Dudley Petunia who was loved all the same because he fetched Frisbees. Anyways these... one, two, tree, four, five... six Petunias lived in a small white cottage surrounded by flowers and red petunias across the plains, across the lake and across sea.

Harry Potter knew that he was a lizard. And his parents were lizards too. But his cousin Dudley and Uncle and Aunt Petunia were muggers and were not lizards. Harry Potter knew from looking at his parents that being a lizard meant that you lived an unreasonably long time (because his parents were 25 and that was old) and that you could use magic. And he always reminded his piggy cousin Dudley Petunia that muggers did not use magic.

One day, Harry decided to go into the Pentunia-ish kitchen to find a nice happy and of course delicious meal. In the refrigerator there were stacks and stacks and stacks of moldy cheese.

"Oh my god! All the cheese is rotten." Of course little boys were not supposed to use such harsh language. And the minute his Aunt Petunia heard such harsh language, she said to him,

"Why you potty wee Potter lizard Potter boy! Who taught you such harsh language?" and with that she whacked him around the head with a Frisbee. Then Dudley Petunia came in and yelled,

"Petunia Mother or Mother Petunia, I am hungry!" Aunt Petunia chucked the Frisbee out the window and Dudley went to fetch it but because they were living near a lake, he fell in and started drowning.

"Mother of Pearl! Your child is drowning!" screeched Harry Potter's mother as she came running in.

"My son is Dudley, not Pearl." Said Aunt Petunia.

"Oh, yes. What did I say?" mumbled Harry's mother.

Dudley was now unconscious and was about to go down when a magical fish popped out of the lake and cried,

"Oh, say can't you see? By the dawn's early light, this wee beasty is drinking up the precious water!" and popped back into the water after throwing Dudley Petunia back into the water again. On one hand, he was out of the lake, on the other he was now in the sea.

"Tea love?" grinned James Potter, the lizard father of the young lizard Harry. But then he saw Dudley being tossed out of a lake by a magical fish into the salty sea and dropped the cup of tea he happened to be holding at that particular moment. It was not that the sheer fact of a magical fish that could talk was living in the lake, it was simply impossible to believe that anything alive could possibly single finnedly lift the fat Petunia at all.

Harry yawned poking his pet owlet Hedwig straight in the eye. The fluffy, white owlet howled (or it sounded like it at least) trying to hide its abnormally enormous head under her nonexistent wings. For a moment she succeeded but Harry poked her in the eye again with his squishy childlike fingers and made her eye bleed. Trying to see what made his pet's eye color change he did notice a flailing of a peach colored, blubber covered, tub of lard screaming bloody murder.

At that moment, the refrigerator exploded and the Petunias and Harry Potter bellyflopped into the water as the room made a whining noise and crashed. The Petunias and Harry Potter were safe from the explosion but Dudley had started drowning again. (Uncle Petunia had been shot out of the house by accident, of course.)

The wee Harry conjured a large blue banana out of the remains of the fridge and each of them got on the large blue banana and started flowing away across the sea and onto the lake. The magical fish flopped out again and started singing again but James Potter through an imaginary dinner plate at him and the magical fish started sinking, making a distinct farting noise.

"Mother, I'm feeling heavy…" whined Dudley as he started climbing a bit higher on the blue banana. Before Dudley's mother could answer, the banana popped out of its peel, making a squirting noise and Dudley and Harry and everyone else was propelled backwards by a non-existent windmill.

Dudley started drowning again but the magical fish was now gone and nobody wanted to risk going down with the porky, piggy, pudgy and pudding-like Dudley Petunia.

"Good god!" said Vernon Petunia. "My good clothes are soggy like toast!"

"And there's absolutely no tea" muttered James Potter feeling a bit miserable. Harry was cradling his white owlet to his chest who seemed madly intent on pecking his four... five... does thumb count as a finger? Well it tried to peck his hand off and Harry was busy trying to poke her bleeding eye.

"You're son is drowning Petunia" said Lily Potter dreamily vaguely wondering where her nail polish was.

"My son doesn't drown Lily, he can swim." Snapped Petunia who was irate of the premature death of her lovely summer dress that made her look like a bunch of spring beans tied together with tiny peas as a faint imitation of a face. Miraculously Dudley managed an elephant seal impression (only Merlin knows how Dudley knew about elephant seals) and beached himself on the shores of the lake between the plains and the sea, oh and don't forget the white cottage.

In the end this was what made James Potter, a lizard, to move his family and all his relations to Creepy Hollow, Aisle ten. He made a few complaints about the headless horseman but stopped seeing how it got jammed between a fence with his horse barking like a bulldog his in-laws seemed so fond of.

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Disclaimer... Author's Note: Before you say it, we have read the book so don't bother correcting us on some terms


	2. Letters From Someone

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, and we're not insane... I think

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Harry ate his fifth helping of macaroni and... macaroni mixed in a bit with tomato sauce mixed in with at least half a cup of garlic powder. This was followed by a tall glass of orange juice mixed in with sprite. Ever since he had found he was lactose intolerant he had made it his goal to reverse that and was now determined to make himself sick by gorging on food. Meanwhile he was steadily working his way through a chocolate pudding drenched in chocolate syrup and chocolate powder topped with chocolate sprinkles. His cousin Dudley Petunia was eyeing him greedily as he finished his ninth serving of strawberry ice cream with whip cream and cherry on top. Perhaps Harry, being a lizard, wouldn't notice a mugger hand reaching for the chocolaty goodness...

"Abra Kadabra, Squiggle Miggle Pooplet Hooflet!" Harry chanted. The chocolaty goodness shifted its blobish form into a shape of a snapping turtle and bit Dudley's fat hand. Blood leaked from his hand as Dudley screamed and tore away from the room as fast as his stubby legs could carry him.

After that frightful incident of almost losing his precious chocolate, Harry finished his meal and walked up to the second landing, a screech owl came hurtling in, hit the frame of a picture and bounced off and fell 20 steps downstairs, which is a lot of steps and landed with a beep on the half-chewed bear-skin, which served as a rug as Harry was not only allergic to milk products, he was also allergic to regular carpeting.

Harry went downstairs and untied a poster from the dead owl who was honking rather loudly with occasional beeps slipping here and there and here.

The poster advertised a moldy cheese product call "Strawberry Ice Cream" three blind mice were waltzing around in it looking for the moldy cheese. On the back was a letter from the Ministry of Magic. The letter read:

"Dear Mr. Potter

You have performed a transfiguration charm in the dining room, Creepy Hollow, Aisle Ten. You should know by now that underage lizardry is strictly forbidden under the law seventy-two, section forty-three of the muggers and lizards cooperation founded by Shnitzelbob Squildoo of the first order of Merlin. This is to remind you that this is a second warning from when you were eight years, two months, twenty-six days, eight hours, twelve minutes, and fifty-three seconds old. Another will..."

There was a large undried glob of ink still drying on the parchment. Harry hurriedly skipped ahead trying to find what the consequence was for another spell.

"... Will effectively reduce you to a mugger. Thank you and have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,

Annabelle Ashbird

The assistant of the misuse of underaged lizardry department"

A postcard fell out, a one written in horrid crimson ink with random splotches everywhere.

"Dear Mr. Potter(stop)

This is to inform you(stop) that you are now(stop) old enough(stop) oh forget it, this letter is to inform you that you are sufficiently old enough to enroll in the Hogwarts School of Leechcraft and Lizardry. I'm running out of blo... err red ink so ask your parents about it.

Yours sincerely

Professor Greggory Gooblah, of senior charms master"

Shrugging he picked up the post card, it had ads of variously interesting items on it.

Deciding to show his parents, he picked up the letters and left the dead owl lying on the bear-skin. Walking back up to the second landing, he found his mother and father sipping tea chatting in happy, cheerful voices.

"Dear, I must suggest painting the walls pink." Said Lily, taking a gulp of green tea from her chipped china cup, which had an odd painting of a bearded, skinned rabbit dressed in a frilly blue dress.

"an excellent idea darling, but let's make it a little redder than pink. Then we can paint naked warlocks in black."

"Mother and Father?" said Harry as Lily nodded in agreement. "I got these letters from the dead owl on the bear-skin downstairs."

Lily put down her tea cup and took the papers.

"My goodness! James look! A new brand of moldy cheese!" cried Lily as she pointed to the poster. Leaning in to get a better look James exclaimed excitedly,

"I'll be thrilled if those blind mice come with the cheese!"

"Yeah, but the letters on the back." Said Harry as he flipped the poster around and pointed to the Ministry of Magic's note.

"Dear, it's quite inpolite to point at something." Stated his father as he began scanning the letter.

"Well yeah but..." said Harry quite bewilderedly, he had simply never thought of it that way before.

A strange feeling was stirring inside of Harry but he passed it off as gas, must have been all the food he ate... He tugged at his loose acid green shirt wondering where his cousin Dudley was. 'Probably fetching Frisbees...' he thought then stopped. Where was the fun it catching Frisbees with your mouth? Inside his fluffy, pink slippers his toes wiggled unnecessarily as his father read over the postcard.

"Ah, Lily. It is old Hogwarts again. Probably having that bake sale this year…" said Harry's father as he drained his tea cup, which had a furry little gnome with a purple wig drawn sloppily on it who was wearing a frilly orange dress similar to Lily's tea cup.

"Yes, we should attend to it darling. I loved the chocolate chip cookies." Lily put her tea cup down and poured more tea from a small china tea pot, which had the bearded skinned rabbit and the furry little gnome painted on it dancing wildly to what seemed ironically like the boogie-woogie.

Harry sat down next to his mother on the half eaten and moldy couch and asked, "Mother, what is Hogwarts anyways? It should be more than some bake sale and cookies." Lily sipped some more tea and replied,

"Ah, Hogwarts is a school dear. See?" she pointed at the letter with a finger, which had a long fake nail painted hot pink and poked and made the letter bleed.

"Well, I can understand that much," said Harry in a inpatient tone of voice. "But what has it got anything to do with me?"

"Why, son." Said James, putting down his gnome tea cup. "I thought that would have been good and happy and obviously obvious. You are a good boy and a good lizard boy. You must attend the school to enhance your lizarding skills and to participate in the bake sale so you can give me discounts on strawberry chips."

Suddenly James had a stupefying dazed expression on his face. His mouth went slack and his eyes were unfocused as he almost dropped his ugly tea cup. Lily watched on dreamily tucking her hair back and waiting for her lizard husband to continue.

"Hogwarts is a school to learn what leeches and lizards do... quick!" he suddenly stood up splashing Harry with lukewarm green tea. "Come family!" he struck a pose that threatened to dissolve Harry's resolve. "To Diagon Alley!"

"Diagonally?" Asked Harry and his leech mother handed his lizard father a small brown bag filled with glittery green powder that looked suspiciously like powdered apple candy.

"Floo poo dear," chirped Lily pulling a smooth but twisted stick with a flourish and conjuring a waterfall in the fireplace. Soon the whole room was filled with sooty water except James, who didn't want his second bear skin rug under the table ruined, made the water vanish. "I'm afraid we ran out of floo powder, we'll just have to use poo." James sighed, Hedwig the owl came hopping in, blinking her one good eye to see what all the commotion was about.

Harry grabbed her, nearly piercing her in the eye with his pinky. Lily threw a pinch of green powder in the waterfall which turned into a murky shade of dung rather than green like the powder suggested.

His cousin Dudley Petunia came brawling in screaming about chocolate ice cream and sticky poo but they all ignored him because a shrill 'Dudley' came from next door and Dudley punched a large hole in the walls as he went out. Lily sighed but at least she could remodel the living room now.

"Remember, Harry." Said Lily, ushering him forward so that Harry couldn't see and Hedwig slipped from his grip and fell to the knee-deep pool, which had reformed itself of dung water. "You must remember to hold your breath when you stick your head into the sink. And remember not to drown and keep your hands tightly by your side and not get your jeans all soaked."

Harry did not remind his mother that his jeans were soaked already and stuck his head into the sink.

There was a sucking and swirling and farting and pooping sensation. His head began to hurt painfully as he was sucked into the pipes and swirled down and farther down with the pooping sensation still twirling about.

At the last moment he felt a lurching feeling as he was spat out of the pipe and landed in a dusty corner of a bar. Behind came his mother and father, popping out with a squirting noise like a water gun loaded with tomato sauce, which was very sticky.

"Ah, you old lizard-blooded lizard, you!" snarled a hideous man with puce colored nose and a pale face. "You are too young to be in a drinking man's drinking man bar. And you-" He pointed a scabby finger at Lily and James who were sprawled on the ground, trying to get up without using their hands. "You- what would you like? Fire Whiskey, or Butterbeer-"

James held up a sodden hand and said, "Oh, we're not old enough to drink. In the lizarding world you must be 25 and 6 months old but we are only 25 and 5 and a half months old."

The bartender nodded and said, "Aye, that be true. THEN OUT WITH ALL YOU LIZARD-BLOOD FOOLS!"

"I'M A LEECH!" shrieked Lily angrily as she was bodily thrown out of the musty bar. Then she remembered that ladies did not shriek about leeches so she stood up and began heading towards the small door –almost too tiny for anyone to fit through- and went through it. James and Harry followed timidly.

In the bustling crowds of Diagon Alley it was very easy to get separated from your friends and family. This is why James put a hunk of sticky cheese in his hands before grabbing Harry's. Of course, he had conveniently forgotten that Harry was lactose intolerant but Harry didn't mind. He'd rather have blistering purple boils and his hands to look like dried out gray colored prunes than getting separated from his beloved family.

His mother's glaring red hair was bobbing above other people's balding heads. Harry could have sworn he saw fleas but he wasn't sure. Finally they stopped in front of a pet store for all lizarding needs. It was ran by a funny looking leech with crooked green teeth and iron gray hair which looked suspiciously like steel wool.

She grinned up at them –being so short and only coming up to Harry's shoulder- showing all her mangled teeth before ushering them inside.

"I'm looking for a suitable present for my son's enrollment to Hogwarts." The leech with iron gray hair looked surprisingly undisturbed and said,

"Indeed, you must be very proud." James nodded vigorously as if he was being asked to order a cup of exotic tea that could only be found in Nederland.

The leech rang a small silver bell encrusted with gold and ruby and pebbles. A scurrying sound came and a small mole rat came popping out of the counter carrying a brass cage full of skinny little ferrets.

"Hmm, this is very interesting." Said James as he peered inside to take a better look. "But a little too small. Harry has meatier hands than this."

The leech nodded and whacked the mole rat with a rusty key chain shaped oddly like a piece of cheap meat.

"You fat ugly mole rat!" shrieked the old leech as the mole rat wobbled dangerously. "Get a sturdy one. Get!"

The mole rat started honking like a goose and ran off before the leech could whack him again. The mole rat was back with another cage full of dirty spring grass and moldy onions that smelled strongly of peppermint. Inside, a snake was slithering inside.

"So." Said the leech excitedly. "Sturdy enough, eh?"

James examined it as Lily hid behind, eyeing the snake with fear.

"That thing is going to eat all the cheese in our house if we don't stop it." Squealed Lily as she tried to push it away. "Get it away!"

The leech put the cage back onto the mole rat's head and whacked it more forcefully so that the mole rat's brains popped out and slid across the shiny marble and brick floor.

"Get! Get the other cage!"

The mole rat squeaked off, the hole in his head making his face sag. It was back again, the cage made of iron and filled with hay and in the hay laid a small looking snowy owl with large amber eyes and prominent beak.

"How does it do?" panted the leech, clearly out of breath from all the squawking and whacking. The mole rat crumpled to the floor, its head now completely off.

"Lovely. I'll take it!" said James, waving a his wand and accidentally stepping on the mole rat.

"Cool," said Harry, resisting the temptation to poke the owl's eye. "It looks just like Hedwig, I'll call her Hedwig the second."

"It's a he," remarked the leech with the iron wig.

"I wonder how Hedwig would react to her twin." The leech looked slightly concerned at the sight of the three but ushered them out nicely as they paid three galleons and seven sickles and twelve knuts.

Over the course of few hours the three and an owl managed to...

1. Tangle up all robes and tied all scarves up while near the robe store when Hedwig the second became free and tried to fly far, far away. When they finally got out, they found that Hedwig the second had been replaced by a bunch of tissues and toilet paper roll so they had to walk all around the shop while trying not to get kicked out while Harry coaxed Hedwig the second from under a stool.

2. Mixed up spell ingredients because Hedwig the second kept pecking at the beetle eyes and gulped up the rat tails that were on display. The manager of the shop, a lizened old lizard named Brian Brown threw the owl out while beating it senseless with a stick. Chewing on a stick of sickly yellow gum, Harry managed to collect all the spell ingredients –as well as powdered mice brain and dried toad tongue recommended by his lizard father- and pay for it while his parents tried to catch the concussed owl.

3. break a gold and marble lined telescope the size of his fat mugger cousin Dudley while tripping over a set of cheap plastic globes that were lying around on the floor. Needless to say they had to pay quite a lot before they could get out with a practically free plastic telescope and astronomy set made of aluminum foil. Oh and they nicked a glass cauldron because James felt cheap and didn't feel like paying for it.

4. get buried in stacks of thick books while gliding across shelves with a ladder with the store keeper yelling bloody murder and tearing his hair out. Lily's red hair got chewed on by a parrot but that was ok because she caught it to cook if for dinner much to the horror of an assistant aka owner of the idiot bird.

And finally came the most exciting, stupendous, most memorable point in any decent lizard or a leeches life, wand picking.


	3. The Wand Picking

Chapter three: The Wand Picking

Disclaimer: We're not criminally insane, or at least, we don't think we are. Oh and we appreciate reviews, keep em coming

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"Welcome to Olivander's since something some 300 bc or so." A bald man wearing robes of blood red and top hat with green lining greeted them as Harry, James and Lily came in. And of course Hedwig the second who was trying to tear away from Harry's hands as he shoved her into the cage.

"Hello." Said James who had a black eye from slipping on a slimy salamander tail back at the spell ingredient shop and landed face forward on a two ton stone cauldron. "We, umm. What are we doing here anywho, Lily?"

Lily didn't answer as she picked pieces of cheese from her hair. James turned to Harry who had managed to stuff Hedwig the second in and padlock the door.

"Uh, dad. My wand," replied Harry as he rubbed his scratched and bleeding hand.

"Ah, yes. I wanted some tea." Said James without bothering to listen to Harry's reply. "I would like a nice green tea if you have some, Mr. Olivander."

Mr. Olivander looked quite perplexed but conjured some chairs and a tea set. James sat down, accompanied by his wife.

"Delicious. Quite really." Remarked James as he took a sip. He took a brownie off of a tin plate and popped it into his mouth. "Mmm… Chocolate."

Harry sat down as well, careful to check that he had fastened padlock on Hedwig the second's cage tightly. Taking a cup of tea, he gulped it down and hungrily gobbled two chocolate brownies, being hungry as he was from chasing Hedwig around Diagon Alley.

"Now," said Mr. Olivander, looking quite disturbed by James's behavior. "about the wand…"

"Ah yes." Exclaimed James, excitedly. "My son has been enrolled in Hogwarts you see. He needs a stick, if you will." Mr. Olivander sighed and briskly walked towards a many of thin boxes and took out ten or twelve boxes out and laid them down carefully on the table.

"If you will take your hand and hold one wand at a time-"

There was a commotion outside. Screams and yells and barks and howling erupted outside and another boom blew a giant hole in the side of Olivander's wand shop. Through the hole, Harry could see a huge scaly monster with wings and yellow eyes that he longed to poke. Without another glance at Mr. Olivander, he grabbed a black wand from one of the closest boxes and dashed off towards the beast.

The giant dragon was snarling and Harry, now close enough to see that it had squashed 6 people already, saw that on its scaly green back were a dozen trolls, all hairy and wearing ripped trousers and holding broken sticks and bags of stone and bricks. One was carrying a twisted silver pipe and was trying to whack the nearest people.

"Sandy! Hurry!" yelled a lizard nearby, holding out his foot towards a pale elderly leech, who was clearly blind and quite deaf as she could obviously not hear the dragon screeching and breathing fire.

Harry ran towards the trolls who were now smashing bins and crates and throwing bricks at the windows. One had raided the shops and were stomping on the necks of owls.

"Harry NOOOOOOOOO!" Lily Potter ran after him brandishing her stick rather fiercely and poking everyone in the eye should they get close. Most lizard and leeches parted ways like the Moses and the Red Sea thing as a screaming redhead banshee tore after her underaged lizard son.

Harry on the other hand was obviously too busy trying to poke the eyes of the trolls which were about the size of pinpricks poked on by a needle. Harry considered this a challenge and waved the stolen stick obviously planning to plunge it into the troll's eye. The second troll was about to whack the insolent child's head off as Lily ran over it muttering every hex and jinx known to leech and lizardkind.

The two trolls ended up looking like fuzzy purple chickens with green pokedot like many mumps on its faces. It also had an odd number of feet and wings which it flapped weakly to get away from the insane child planning to poke their eyes.

A dragon roared madly overhead stomping various buildings and cans of trash. James joined in leech wife and lizard son still holding a cup of tea.

"So Lily darling, about the stick..."

"I'll take that thank you very much." Muttered Mr. Olivander as he forcefully pried Harry's hands away from the stick. "And it's a wand you uneducated toad, not a stick. Which school did you come out of anyways? The school of Lizards and Leeches?" James Potter looked surprised.

"As a matter of fact yes, well that was after I got enrolled into good ol' Hogwarts but SLL offered better pastry I'm afraid." Olivander shook his head and dragged young lizard Potter back into the shop. He handed Harry a black stick with a pointed end, perfect for poking eyes out.

"Let's see..." Olivander said going back to his whispery voice. "Firethorn, twelve inches, and containing a dragon heartstring." The end result was an explosion, which blew Harry's eyebrows off. "Nevermind..."

"My eye feels like it needs to be poked out" moaned Harry.

"How about this wand." Said Olivander, taking down the 20th box. "This is yew, 5 inches and 9 centimeters and containing werewolf eyelashes. It's very good for brewing potions."

Harry gave the wand a twirl. His head grew to the size of a hot air balloon and crushed the ceiling and started floating away. James and Lily grabbed his shoes in an attempt to stop him but James knocked over Hedwig the second's cage as he floated away and Lily started screaming like she was having a cow and three horses but remembered that she was a leech lady and leech ladies did not scream and closed her mouth as she floated off the floor.

"Don't worry son." James called up to Harry who was growing bigger in the head by the seconds. "We'll get you down." James looked down. They were 20 feet off the floor. "Honey, I can see our house from up here! I think Dudley's drowning again." Said James as he squinted towards wherever Dudley was drowning.

"Are we there yet?" asked Lily, still closing her eyes.

"What do you mean?" asked James as Harry carried them higher and higher, his head now the size of a blimp.

"Weren't we on an airplane?" but before James could ask what an airplane was they heard the faint sound of a hoot and a pop as Hedwig the second pecked at Harry's earlobe and pierced it.

Harry's blimp sized head exploded and started making a farting noise as they swung from side to side in a sea-sickening event. They finally landed in a large tub of dragon dung just across Olivander's. Harry's head size was back to normal but his earlobe was big and bruised and bloody. Hedwig the second twittered above his head happily.

Olivander screamed madly as he threw out the last wand in the shop that had not been damaged by big headed lizard Harry who flew out his roof demolishing the shop quite effectively. Olivanders then closed the half cracked door though there was no need because the walls around it had crumbled to dust.

Harry gingerly fingered the wand and felt a warm sensation spreading through his meaty fingers. With an excited shout he waved it fancily and boom went the Olivander's door. Thankfully they, yes even Hedwig the second had enough sense to run out of there before Olivander came back. Then there was the matter of the dragon who set everything on fire but that's another matter completely, or is it?

Chapter four: The fireworks and grenades

Anyways they managed to use what remained of the floo poo to travel back to their flooded home with a punched fall with Dudley drowning with the Frisbee still clenched between his horselike teeth.

"Well dear, you know that strawberry ice cream layout I've been talking about..." started Lily the leech.

That night they had the biggest dinner ever because Lily expanded the kitchen and invited the Petunias –which Vernon and Dudley ate the most- and prepared, five roast beef, thirteen chickens, two large turkeys stuffed with broccoli, peas smothered in mashed potato and string beans, thick ham covered in gravy of unknown origins, greasy sausages dripping with fat and lard, a giant salad which no one really touched, and fat, juicy, mouthwatering, spicy, steak which everyone ate.

Lastly came the dessert of most outrageous designs. Strawberry ice cream, moldy cheese; from the poster ad, headless chickens stuffed with cranberry syrup, chocolate pudding, exploding truffles –because Dudley had sat on them earlier and farted in them as well- and though Harry had to do with chickens stuffed with cranberry syrup because he was lactose intolerant he couldn't help but feel happy, as any lizard boy with mugger cousins could be.

That night, Harry brushed his hair and combed his teeth and went to the basement to see where he could lie awake. He found a closely knitted bundle of moose skin and made a nest out of it with the help of a jar of Sticky's New Fish Dip and fell asleep with the odor of rotten fish in his nose.

That night he dreamt that he was drowning in the sea with the magical fish that had died years ago and was now haunting him with a creepier version of the nation anthem.

"Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave…"

"Shut up…" mumbled Harry as he snuggled deeper into his smelly nest. "I want to hear Mary had a little lamb…"

"And the land of the free and the home of the brave…."

Harry woke up. There was light streaming in through the door leading up to the first floor. Harry climbed out of his fish nest and climbed the stairs. It was still nighttime but the Petunias and Lily and James were having a wild firework contest. As James lit a blue and white striped firecracker behind their base (a cherry oak dresser with fat naked babies with wings shooting arrows carved into them), Harry saw Petunia light a grenade and both tossed it making big eruptions and blowing up numerous amounts of furniture and scorching the floor and expensive paintings hung on the wall.

"Dad." Whispered Harry as he hid behind the dresser where his mother was lighting a purple rocket. "Who's winning?"

Harry's father chuckled as he lit a dragon shaped rocket. It went off zooming towards the Petunias with great speed and spitting sparks and occasionally small flames.

"Of course, we are," giggled Lily as she tossed a loaded egg. Harry heard it smash and by the sounds of the shrieks, it had smashed on Aunt Petunia's hair.

Harry thought otherwise. From the scorched looks of the cherry oak dresser designed in fat winged babies with arrows, the metallic table that had been tipped to its side was going to last longer. And any idiot knew that grenades were stronger than fire crackers.

The grandfather clock above them struck five am in the morning, added with the extra emphasis of grenade crashing against a bomb shaped firework Dudley stumbled out, tripping over the stairs and falling into a large puddle in the furs that lined the floor instead of carpets.

Hedwig the second hooted angrily as a firecracker exploded near him with a deafening roar scorching his snowy white feathers to the color of soot. Harry laughed and squished the temptation to do so and began tossing cherry bombs at the Petunias.

Aunt Petunia, being a mugger, had somehow gotten a bazooka into her possession and began firing it randomly creating holes into the cherry wood furniture. The naked babies with wings firing arrows were burnt off the dresser as the bazooka hit sending James and Lily huddling for cover.

"Wheeeeee!" yelled Lily as she was thrown eight feet into the air and fell on her back. Luckily she had flown a great distance and had landed on a half-scorched deer-skin rug that Lily had bought 4 years ago for the Petunias' brain damage celebration.

James had collided with the frame of a painting of a crumpled bird lying in a bloody puddle in the snow. He had been knocked out or had fallen asleep as he started snoring and mumbling,

"Yes, mint tea. I'm alergic to coffee…"

Harry ran towards his mother. She was still gigglin but handed something to Harry.

"Take this." Said his mother now getting up. "It's our last hope. I nicked it from your father…" She collapsed again, laughing unconrtollably.

His face skrewed up in concentration and eyes glowing pink, Harry took the small egg that his mother had given him and tossed it. It hit Aunt Petunia squarely in the nose.

"Squawk!" screeched Aunt Petunia as she dropped the bazooka and tried rubbing the egg out of her eyes. "Vernon! Kill them! KILL THEM!"

Uncle Vernon hastily scraped up the bazooka and shot it. Not knowing how to work it, Uncle Vernon had pointed it at Aunt Petunia and Dudley .

Screaming and yelling, Petunia and Dudley were blasted off their feet and burst through the window, spraying glass everywhere.

Later all that was left of their humble home on Creepy Hollow Aisle 10 was a bunch of sticks and a cherry dresser that once had naked babies shooting arrows on it.

"We won!" yelled James and Lily who had gotten up suddenly and started a war dance. "All thanks to Harry! Hooray! Hooray!"

Lily waved her stick and fireworks erupted. Olives and cheese flew from the sky and horsemen galloped in spraying the Potters with salt.


End file.
